I hate Seattle

Tomorrow, we face Seattle in the Open Cup for potentially our first ever silverware. When we think about rivals, New York and D.C. come to mind. After those two, some proclaim Kansas City or Houston as rivals. Personally, I have hated Seattle since 2010. To me, they are right behind New York and D.C.

From the fans in the stands to the flannel-clad hipsters on the street who think Kurt Cobain is the biggest name since John Lennon, I am simply not a fan of Seattle. The city is a place where the Space Needle, rain, burnt coffee, and angsty lyrics are seen as “rich culture.” With the big game tomorrow, it seems like the perfect time to breakdown why I hate Seattle:

  1. I hate Seattle’s “holier than thou” attitude: I get it. Soccer and MLS did not exist before Seattle entered the league. The original teams just sat on their asses and twiddled their thumbs until Seattle eventually got their expansion team
  2. I hate 2010: In our expansion year, all anyone could talk about is how we measured up to Seattle. Fantastic. Nothing we did mattered because we weren’t Seattle. On top of that, they crushed us in our first ever game.
  3. I hate the Dempsey Rule: Deuce began the trend of big name players skipping the allocation order. Richer clubs suddenly have an advantage over the rest of us. Even worse, who can skip the allocation order is a mystery. It’s a big step towards MLS catering to their big teams. Seattle is the major actor that got this rule on in the books.
  4. I hate this idea that Seattle fans are the best: Sure, the Sounders and Seahawks have great fans. How about the Mariners? Out of 30 MLB teams, the Mariners rank 23rd in average attendance this year. How about the Sonics everyone misses? In their final year, their average attendance was 13,355. Hell, the Seahawks almost moved in the 90’s because their attendance was among the worst in the league. Apparently, Seattle loves their teams but only if they are winning.
  5. I hate that Sounders fans still claim Sebastian Le Toux: He may have started his American career in Seattle, but he made his career in Philly. Seba has become one of the best players in the league here, not Seattle. He is not a Seattle guy, and he hasn’t been since 2009.
  6. I hate Seattle coffee: Seriously, fuck Starbucks. Burnt, bitter beans are not coffee. Sure they make the beans lighter and cheaper to transport, but I don’t drink coffee for the taste of ash and charcoal. Starbucks ruins the wonderful taste of a smooth cup of coffee.

On a more serious note, the over-saturation of Starbucks drives local independent businesses out of business and weakens competition on the market. Starbucks is the Walmart of coffee. Thanks Seattle.

Now, Seattle isn’t all bad. What do I love about the Sounders?

  1. I love that PPL Park opened against Seattle: In our very first game at our home, we beat Seattle 3-1. When we think back to this stadium in the future, we will always remember Pat Noonan choking on a penalty kick to win us the game. Seriously, he got stone-walled by Chris Fucking Seitz.
  2. I love Sebastian Le Toux: Thanks again for giving us one of the best players in MLS for absolutely nothing. Throughout our turbulent five years, Seba has been a rock for this team that has dragged us forward. Nothing will make me happier than seeing Seba score the game winning goal tomorrow.

Thanks for Microsoft and Amazon, Seattle, but that doesn’t change anything. We’ll see you tomorrow.

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